As 2010 comes to a close, I am sitting 30,000 feet above the earth taking the time to write one last blog on grief.  I felt it would be appropriate to do somewhat of an overview on the topic of grief so I could go into greater depth on certain aspects in 2011.  With that in mind, I am going to pen an entry that tracks a universal theme – Coping With Grief & Loss.

Losing someone or something you love is very painful.  After a significant loss, you may experience a myriad of difficult and surprising emotions, including but certainly not limited to shock, anger, and guilt.  At times it may feel like the sorrow is relentless.  While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss.  Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary if you are going to experience genuine healing.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There are, however, healthy ways to cope with the pain that invariably accompanies your grief.  You can get through it!  Grief that is both expressed as well as experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich your life.

In this post I want to highlight the following topics:

- What is grief?

- Are there stages of grief?

- Common symptoms of grief

- Helpful Tips to endure the grief process

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss.  It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.  You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss often causes the most intense grief.  But any loss can cause grief, including, among many others:

Divorce

Loss of health

Loss of a job

Loss of financial stability

Miscarriage

Death of a pet

Loss of a cherished dream

Serious illness in a loved one

Loss of a friendship

Loss of security after a trauma

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief.  However, even subtle losses can lead to grief.  For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.  Something important to remember is:

Everyone grieves differently.

Grief is a personal and highly individual experience.  How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality, your coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss.  The grieving process takes time.  Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grief. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months.  For others, the grieving process is measured in years.  Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

In my experience I have discovered there are all kinds of myths about grief.  Here are some common myths and the facts that I believe counteract them:

MYTH:

The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

FACT:

Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will simply cause your grief to intensify long-term.  For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH:

It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

FACT:

Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss.  Crying doesn’t signify weakness.  You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a veneer of strength.  Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH:

If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

FACT:

Crying may be a normal response to sorrow, but it’s not the only one.  Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others.  They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH:

Grief should last about a year.

FACT:

There is no right or wrong time frame for grief.  How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Are there stages of grief?

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but over time countless people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.  Here are the five stages of grief that Kübler-Ross established:

▪   Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

▪   Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

▪   Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

▪   Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

▪   Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time.  However, not everyone who is experiencing grief goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay.  Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages.  And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns.  In the final book she authored prior to her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Rather than looking at grief as a series of stages, it would be helpful to think of it as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like most roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning; the lows may be deeper and longer.  The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss.  Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

Common symptoms of grief

While loss affects people in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms during the grief process.  It is important to remember that almost anything you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.  Here is a list of common symptoms:

-  Shock and disbelief

Immediately following a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened.  You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth.  If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting him or her to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

- Sorrow

Profound sorrow is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief.  You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness.  You may also cry regularly and unexpectedly or feel emotionally unstable.

- Guilt

You may experience regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do.  You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness).  After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.

- Anger

Even if the loss wasn’t anyone’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful.  If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you.  You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

- Fear

A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears.  You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure.  You may even have panic attacks.  The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

- Physical symptoms

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.  If you experience physical sickness or pain, don’t panic, it will pass in time.

I’d like to close this post and this year with some practical tips to help you deal with the grief process.

1) Get support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people.  Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving.  Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry.  Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

2) Draw comfort from your faith

If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide.  Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace.  If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.

3) Join a support group

Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around.  Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help.  To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.

4) Talk to a therapist or grief counselor

If your grief feels like it is too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling.  An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.

5) Take care of yourself

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself.  The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves.  Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

6) Face your feelings

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever.  In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain.  Trying to avoid feelings of sorrow and loss only prolongs the grieving process.  Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

7) Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way

Write about your loss in a journal.  If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.  Make a donation to a charity or church if it was an important part of their life.

Don’t allow anyone tell you how to feel

Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without shame or judgment.  It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry.  It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

9) Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings.  Be prepared for the oncoming pain associated with these events.  If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

When everything is said and done – here is a universal truth – grief is not easy.  I never had any intention to become an expert on grief, and the process of becoming considered as such has required far more grief than I have cared to endure.  I have had years of turmoil and years of triumph, but in the end I have come to lean on the wisdom provided by Chaucer in Troilus & Criseyde – “As tyme hem hurt, a tyme doth hem cure” which can be translated to say – “Time heals all wounds.” Maybe 2010 has been the most difficult year of your life and you can’t fathom getting better or imagine being able to endure more, but you will be amazed what will happen if you allow yourself to grieve and walk through the process that it demands.  It is amazing what a difference just a year can make.  The journey will not be easy, but one thing you can count on as you enter into 2011 – I will walk this journey with you.  Keep tuning in and we will experience healing together.  You matter to me.  Happy New Year!

Shawn

Death has changed throughout the years.  Well, I guess death hasn’t changed – dying today causes someone to be just as dead as it did a thousand years ago.  What would be a more accurate statement would be – human reaction to death has changed throughout the years.  For instance, when a person was dying in the Middle Ages, they said their goodbyes, gave away their furniture, and just stopped breathing. Dying was really a “non-event.”  This “non-event” was often witnessed by friends and family, who, at the moment of death, absconded with anything of value. “So sorry to see Aunt Beatrice go.  Oh well, you can have the washer & dryer, but I get that dining room set!” Later, these same people may gather to either celebrate or deride the person’s life. “It’s unfortunate that Uncle Rufus is gone, but he was kind of a cranky old man anyway.” It all seems quite heartless.  Today, although we may not fight over furniture, or gather at a later date to talk about how despicable the departed were in life, we do something worse.

We layer death with a multitude of screens, hoping to hide the elephant in the room.  We deny death.  We almost ignore its inevitability.  Unfortunately, the delusion is easily shattered by words, events, and thoughts that, despite our best efforts to the contrary, reassert the role of death in life. Today, instead of welcoming death as the greatest of all life coaches, we dread its appearance as if it is an embarrassing relative at a family gathering.

Theologian Thomas Merton described the process of his mothers’ death.  Mrs. Merton wrote her son a goodbye letter, rather than risking the possibility of scarring him for life by actually seeing her dying in the hospital.  Our attitudes today haven’t changed much since Merton’s experience in the early 1900’s. The Buddha said; “Just like the elephant leaves the largest footprint in the forest, so does death when it comes to living.” For the past 12 years I have served as full-time clergy and have stood at the side of many hospital beds holding the hand of young and old alike as they waited for their journey in this life to end and their journey in the next life to begin.  I have operated in and still reside in the elephant’s footprint.  What I’ve learned in these bedside encounters are lessons about living that have hit me with great force.

The linguist, Korzybski said; “The map is not the territory.” Arriving at the territory of personal excellence may not require lectures, workshops, or even books written by great motivational authors. The map I have used involves people who invite me into their lives as they approach death. As I watch their transformation and growth, I feel as if I am experiencing the peeling away of layers of an onion.  When someone knows they have little time to live, things that were once thought important – roles, egos, belongings, even societal niceties – are quickly shed.  What’s left is the reality, or even the true consciousness of what is truly important in life.  These people generally begin to convey an honesty that is often painful to witness.  But, from the words and actions of these people comes wisdom that cuts to the core of what it means to be human.

After sitting with people ranging in age from 3 months to 85 years, I’m beginning to understand how to transform my life from one that has been adequate, to one that is genuinely fulfilling. One universal maxim I’ve learned is – The way we choose to live, usually becomes the way we are forced to die.

If you want an easier death, create a better life.  It’s a causative proposition that is unfortunately often misinterpreted as “being glib.” But its relevance lies in its simplicity and is evidenced over and over throughout human history.  There are general guidelines that I’ve gleaned from my experiences that can become a blueprint for personal excellence. Below are six of the many I’ve learned.

1) Ask for Forgiveness.

Guilt is an anchor.  It weighs you down and renders progress nearly impossible.  Every one of us has wronged someone in our lives.  Asking for forgiveness for thoughtless acts or words can be soothing, if not curative, even if forgiveness is withheld.

2) Give.

The Bible says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” It’s against the very nature of our humanity to agree with that statement – until you live it.  Giving is infectious.  Giving feels good.  Giving should be unconditional with no expectation of reciprocity: you give because it’s the right thing to do.  Doing something for someone when you know they will never be able to do it back for you can be euphoric.

3) Communicate with your heart.

We all have things in our heart that will never be communicated.  Why?  Because we think we have all the time in the world.  Additionally, so little of our communication is actually done with words.  It was only when I served people who were dying that I realized the use of words and language often get in the way of the emotions we wish to convey.  Gifts and cards and smiles and hugs say volumes.

4) Show Compassion.

Not everyone can be as perfect as you.  Be patient.  Slow down a bit and appreciate the process.  Treat people the way you want to be treated.  Roll down your window and give some of your spare change without judging what they will do with your money.  Buy something and give it to Toys for Tots or Coats for Kids.  You don’t have to be Warren Buffet or Bill Gates to make a profound impact on someone’s life.  I’ve come to realize that a great measure of compassion is the effect it has on the person experiencing it, not the largeness of the effort.

5) Do what matters.

Tie up some lose ends.  I’ve never underestimated the power of positive thinking, but I found while hoping that life will get better, people often neglect improving their present situation. Instead of tying up loose ends near death, people often wait, hoping for a miracle to happen and so many times they do, but sometimes that miracle doesn’t come. “Hoping” for the best in the future often results in not doing something meaningful in the present.

6) Forgive.

I think it’s important to begin and end with forgiveness.  You have sought forgiveness, now it’s time to extend it.  Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and thinking it will hurt the other person.  So often we hold on to an emotional pain as if its continuation validates the injustice we experienced. The Tibetans have a saying, “You can throw hot coals at your enemies, but you’ll burn your hands.” Forgiveness does not mean that an act of cruelty was justified. Rather, it implies an understanding of why it occurred and allows one to move on positively with their life and death.  It feels good to forgive.  It is freeing to forgive.  In fact, it is empowering to forgive.  I am not going to be held hostage by injustice, I choose to forgive.

Sitting with someone who is transitioning from this life to the next is enlightening.  When you know your time is short you relieve yourself of the excuses that hold you back from saying the things you should say and doing the things you should do.  You have nothing to lose.  What if you lived your life like that now?  Life really is short.  Yesterday I was my kids’ age and tomorrow I will be my parents’ age.  Life is like a vapor. Why not start taking some steps to dying well by living well.  Welcome death as the greatest of all life coaches.  Seek forgiveness, give, communicate with your heart, show compassion, do what matters & forgive – you will be glad you did.  Your best life begins today.

Grief is a natural response to the loss of something valued.  Myths are falsehoods parading as gospel truths.  Combined, they lead to an excessive amount of emotional and physical pain when mourning.

If you mourn according to myth it means you have adopted false beliefs about grief and how to cope with the loss of a loved one. The solution is clear: obtain information to form beliefs that are true for you and discard old beliefs that were handed down to you when you were young.

There are many myths about grief. Here are five of the most common and what you can do to reverse your thinking and reduce the unnecessary suffering they often inflict.

1. There is an orderly stage like progression in the grief process.

In truth, this has yet to be decided by researchers.  Right now the best information says grief is highly individual.  It could take months or years depending on the nature of the death and the degree of emotional investment in the person who died.  And grief has many ups and downs and revisits.

Do not set limits or expectations.  Allow your grief to move through its natural responses according to you.  There is no right way to grieve.

2. You have to let go of the person who died.

Letting go of the deceased is often interpreted as having to forget about the deceased and get on with life.  In truth, the relationship with the deceased never ends; it changes.  Establishing a new relationship with the deceased through memory, celebration, new traditions, and the intent to learn to love in separation is part of adapting to loss.

3. The longer you mourn the more you show your love for the deceased.

Some individuals accept the loss of their loved one and are able to begin reinvesting in their new life without the physical presence of their loved one.  Others hesitate to fully embrace their new life because they believe it will indicate a lack of true love for the deceased.  Consequently, they refuse invitations to social gatherings or refrain from other pleasurable pursuits.  Remember that love never dies, and we honor our deceased loved ones by continuing to grow into the next chapter of our lives.

4. Time heals all wounds.

Time does not heal all wounds unless the mourner addresses the tasks of grief, starts new routines, faces the pain, and establishes a new relationship with the deceased loved one.  Or as a dear friend of mine put it; “Time doesn’t heal all wounds, unless you work between the minutes.” Taking action to heal is a choice and the best way to prevent generating emotional poison through isolation and simply waiting to get better.

5. Mourning should end after the first anniversary of the death.

Those who hold on to this myth often lengthen their grief work and/or inhibit the natural grief responses that occur after one year.  For many, the major part of grief recedes after five or six months, while for others it takes considerably longer.  There is no specific time limit applicable to all.

In summary, myths are beliefs we choose, and in terms of the grief process, those myths usually cause additional pain and suffering. Here are a few tips in overcoming the myths you have adopted:

1. Make every effort to seek out those who are knowledgeable about coping with loss and the changes it imposes.

2. When you find those people, ask questions.

3. Be open to the new as well as an analysis of your beliefs about grief and loss and how you adopted them.

4. Then find a grief companion who is a good listener, and work toward intellectual and emotional acceptance of the death of your loved one.

Here is a simple fact – Grief is a process and that process is intensely personal.  How you confront it, how you embrace it, how you walk through it and ultimately how you overcome it.  Are you dealing with grief or loss today?  Don’t buy into the myths that were created by people just like you – start the journey to recovery today.  I’ve made it through and I know you can too.

There is so much negativity in the world.  If you don’t believe me, just turn on the news or pick up a newspaper or listen to any random conversation going on at your local grocery store.  There just seems to be so much going wrong in the world.  Whether there is a Tropical Storm bearing down on the Atlantic Coast or Minors stuck in a shaft somewhere or oil leaking into an American body of water, it just all seems so gloomy.  In fact, it seems like all the good news gets buried and regarded as fluff stories that are relegated to rookie reporters and given off as “public interest” pieces.  I was talking to a friend who is in the journalism business and I wanted to test my theory.  When I asked him why this seems to be the case, he made an interesting statement; he said “Bad news sells better.” Hmmmm – bad news sells better?  That is interesting, in a sad sort of way, but seemingly true.  Think of many of the conversations you have, or at least the ones you remember.  We more vividly remember the negative conversations and circumstances in your life than you do the positive and I’m sure it isn’t because the negative outweigh or outnumber the positive occurrences in our lives.  Well, we know that to be true if we put any weight on modern psychology which suggests it may take as many as 10 positive comments to counteract a negative.  Now most of us get a significant amount of positive input downloaded into us from sources we may not even notice – family, friends, literature, nature, a spiritual discipline, regular exercise, etc.  The problem for most of us lies in my personal belief that positive experiences are like post it notes, but negative experiences are like super glue.  Positives fall off far too easily but negatives hold on for dear life.  It takes work to be positive – long, arduous, purposeful effort.  But it is effort that is essential to your emotional survival.  I think everything in life requires positive input.  As weird as it may sound, my dog behaves better and makes less messes around our house when she is spoken to kindly and has more positive attention directed toward her.  It’s even been shown that talking to plants makes them grow better.  If it works for pets and plants, wouldn’t it make sense that it would work for people?  Now, if people require extensive amounts of positive input to make it through everyday life, imagine how much more it must be needed in a time of grief and loss.  People who are grieving do not need people to mope with them.  They do not need you to get down with them, they need to be lifted up and comforted.  People who are in grief generally need to be protected from negativity, sometimes even their own, so I have put together this list of the “10 Best Things To Say To Someone In Grief” and like my post on the Worst Things I have included the traits of these comments and what may drive them.  Here are my 10 Best:

1. I am so sorry for your loss.

2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here if I can help in anyway.

4. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…

6. I am always just a phone call away.

7. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.

8. I am usually up late if you ever need anything.

9. Give a hug instead of saying something.

10. Don’t say anything, just be with the person.

Here are some traits I have seen about these comments and what may drive them.

1. They are supportive, but do not try to fix anything.

2. They are about feelings.

3. They are non-active and don’t tell anyone what to do.

4. They admit they can’t make it better.

5. They don’t ask for the griever to change their feelings.

6. They recognize loss.

7. They are not limited by time.

I think the most monumental moment during my struggle to recover from the loss of our daughter was when my brother Kevin dropped everything and flew to Seattle to be with me.  He was not the only one to do that.  My parents and Sonny’s parents both flew in while we were still in the hospital with her and they sat with us and prayed with us and cried with us time and time again, but, running the risk of sounding entitled, you expect your parents to do that.  But here was my big brother who had a wife, kids of his own, a job and bills and responsibilities, but got on the first flight out of Detroit and came to sit with me.  If you knew my brother you would understand better.  I love all my brothers and they are all successful, but Kevin has always been a hero to me.  He is the best husband and dad I know.  He is a gentle giant and as soft and tender with his wife and daughters as anyone you will ever meet.  But in the real world he is tough!  He works hard, is a strong leader, and doesn’t take anything from anyone.  I grew up wanting to play football because he was a stud football player, a real throwback who seemed like he would finish a game with a broken arm rather than come out.  So here was this gruff, tough, strong, Carhartt wearing, man’s man who got on a plane, came straight to where I was and didn’t say a word.  He just sat and listened and cried and held his little brother.  He listened to me question my God and cuss and watched me hit stuff and thrown things and only spoke when he needed to.  Looking back, I would never have made it through my grief process without my big brother Kevin, and it had nothing to do with anything he said.  In fact, it had everything to do with what he didn’t say.  So, today you may know someone who is going through the grief process and negativity may be overwhelming them. They may feel like they have no hope or that life will never get better or that the sun will never shine again, and the last thing they need you to do is fix them.  They need you to shield them from the negativity and funnel the positive into their ears and minds and hearts.  Can you be the personification of the positive for someone today?  Can you listen more and speak less?  I bet you can.  I bet you can be to someone today what my big brother Kevin was to me.  You can change a life today – I believe in you.

Today is my birthday.  I turned 37 years old today.  That just doesn’t even sound right.  It doesn’t sound right when I say it in my head and it sounds even worse when I say it out loud.  It seems like I should still be a teenager, but regardless of what it seems, I have been on this earth for 37 long years.  For those of you who are weird like me – that is 13,505 days.  I like birthdays and I think they should be celebrated – they should be special.  I think there should be breakfasts in bed and cards and singing and parties and balloons (even though I hate balloons) and cake and ice cream and gifts – of course, my love language is gifts – I love giving them and I really love receiving them – so there should be lots of gifts followed by more cake and ice cream.  I guess I just subscribe to the view that a birthday should border on being a spectacle.  I have one friend who really loves celebrating his birthday – in fact, he has more than a birthday – he has a “birthday season” which seems like it lasts a month.  I think my worldview on birthdays comes from my belief that your birthday is the one day of the year that is all about you.  Maybe that sounds selfish or self-centered but your birthday is a celebration of a very significant event – your entrance into this world – nothing else.  Birthdays are special because they represent the greatest gift you have ever been given in your life – it is – your life.

My birthday has been fantastic so far!  I woke up to my beautiful bride caressing my check and softly saying “Happy birthday love.” I then got to have two incredible kids come into my bedroom and sing their own individual versions of the “Happy Birthday” song.  They both wanted to do it individually so it would be special, and trust me it was.  Ironically they both sang the song, which has many interpretations, the same way.  Here is how it went – “Happy birthday to you – cha cha cha – happy birthday to you – cha cha cha – happy birthday dear daddy – happy birthday to you – cha cha cha.” There are few things on earth that can top the sound of happy children singing.  I was then given a fantastic gift from Sonny – a very cool military green watch from ALDO – here is a picture if you’re interested.  I then met Sonny at her least favorite restaurant in the world – Denny’s – for breakfast.  I know it sounds trivial but it meant a lot to me that Sonny would lower her culinary standards and eat at a greasy spoon just for me.  Our schedule is pretty hectic so Sonny has actually been doing little things all week to celebrate my special day too, like getting a baby-sitter and taking me to see The Social Network on Monday and taking me to the mall yesterday to buy me a sweater from Banana Republic and to take me to lunch at Fuddruckers.  All in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.

Birthdays are not always so great for everyone though.  Birthdays can be a time of tremendous grief.  For some this is their first birthday without a special loved one.  Others may be anticipating this as their last birthday because they’ve received the report that their condition is terminal.  Whatever the specific circumstance, for many people, a birthday is not a celebration – it is a reminder.  A reminder of mistakes made or relationships lost.  A reminder of bridges burned or deep hurt.  I have lived on this earth 37 years and I have had so many incredible moments of victory and joy, but I have also encountered far too many moments of drastic defeat and pain.  I have had opportunities wasted and a seemingly epic amount of time slip away.  How did yesterday go so fast?  I will never get those moments back.  I have yelled at my kids when they didn’t deserve it or spent time mindlessly watching TV when I could have been talking to my wife.  I’ve been on airplanes flying to speak at events that would feed my ego and missed monumental moments like seeing my daughter take her first step or hearing my sons first real words over the phone between sessions while speaking at some conference or convention.  I will never get those moments back.

I know that when we think of grief it is generally in the framework of death, but I think about it more in terms of loss.  I grieve the time I’ve lost.  I grieve the opportunities I’ve missed.  I especially grieve the relational equity I’ve spent striving for things that seemed important at the time but have since proved fleeting.  I miss the days when my kids were babies and they smelled like powder and cried in the middle of the night.  I miss the times when they couldn’t feed themselves and needed me to take care of every little thing for them.  All things that seemed like such a hassle when they needed them done, but now in retrospect were paramount to both them and me.  Now my kids have the ability to feed themselves and dress themselves and are relatively self-sufficient.  They don’t want me to pick out their clothes or the food in their lunches and they don’t really want me to kiss them or hug them too long when I drop them off at school and that makes me sad.  I know they are only 7 and 5 but yesterday they were in their mommy’s tummy and tomorrow they’ll be gone.  What will I do then?  I grieve the moments I missed with them.  Likewise, it seems like just yesterday that I saw a foxy lady with killer calves walking through my college cafeteria.  It seems like yesterday that I got down on one knee on a snowy December night in her parents front gazebo with an embarrisingly small ring and asked her to spend her life with me.  When she said yes, it seemed like my heart and time simultaneously stopped.  Unfortunately time didn’t stop.  In fact it feels like it has gone into fast forward.  We will be married 15 years this February but it seems like we have 50 years worth of memories.  We have gone through multiple miscarriages, the death of a daughter, and doctors telling us we would never have children together because we were genetically incompatible.  We have been around the world and touched the lives of countless people and in the meantime we almost lost everything.  Sonny is my best friend but there have been times I haven’t acted like that.  Too many times I have taken her for granted and ignored her.  I have gone overseas for weeks on end and thought nothing of not calling.  She has raised my babies and kept my household in order all while operating an incredible internship program that trained dozens of world-changing young people and being one of the greatest Youth Pastors I’ve ever known.  I grieve the moments I missed and the opportunities that have flown by at the speed of sound.  What I wouldn’t do to go back and cheer her on as she spoke to hundreds of teenagers, or to walk through the doors of our first house again just to see the excitement on her face.  I would love to go back and pick those first paint colors and curtain swatches.  Not monumental moments when they are at hand – but treasures after they are gone when they have been taken for granted.  I would love to go back and walk through the process of losing that first baby to miscarriage just so I could comfort her like a man is supposed to comfort his woman.  I can’t go back though – the moments are lost.  Those moments are lost forever.  I grieve those moments.

I have lived on this earth for exactly 37 years today – 13,505 days and too many of them have been wasted.  I can never regain those days, but the good news is, I don’t have to.  The Apostle Paul, in his second letter to the church at Corinth said this – “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” I don’t have to regain days lost or erase yesterday – I can start new today and so can you.  I guess the best thing about a birthday is that it, quite simply, signifies birth.  It signifies new life, so we may not be able to be physically re-born today, but we can be emotionally re-born or spiritually re-born.  I have lived 13,505 days to this point and I am not guaranteed to have even one more, so I am choosing not to waste the ones I do get.  Maybe you can make that choice too so you don’t have to grieve today – which ironically enough will be tomorrows yesterday.  Make a memory today.  Turn off your TV or your computer, turn down the radio in your car and have a conversation with your spouse or your kids or your parents or your siblings.  Just love someone today – consider it your birthday gift to me.



A few years ago I had the amazing privilege of meeting Art Linkletter.  He is perhaps the funniest human being to ever live.  Apart from being the best friend & next door neighbor of Walt Disney, Linkletter gained substantial fame by hosting the show Art Linkletter’s House Party.  The show’s best-remembered segment was “Kids Say The Darndest Things” in which Linkletter interviewed schoolchildren between the ages of five and ten.  Linkletter interviewed more than 23,000 children and the popularity of this segment led to a TV series with the same title hosted by Bill Cosby.  I used to love this show and boy was the title true to content.  Kids really do say some crazy stuff!  I have two real characters who live in my house – my son Isaiah who is 7 and my daughter Aubree who is 5.  They are always saying stuff that makes Sonny and I lose it.  Their personalities are so much larger than life that a few years ago Sonny actually started documenting some of their best lines on her Blackberry.  One time Isaiah was talking to Sonny and as serious as you can be he said; “Mommy I like animals.  Skunks…raccoons…burritos.” We think he meant porcupines.  Another time we were reading to Aubree and she said “I love this story, it’s about Goliath and the beanjack.” In fact, just the other day, Isaiah got an idea to take jam to some of our neighbors and one of our neighbors paid him $2 for the jar.  He told Sonny, “He asked me how much and I told him it was free.  He told me he had to pay something so I told him ‘If you exist.’ and he existed so he gave me $2.” Kids can say some funny stuff, but they can also say some pretty mean and hurtful things due to their brutal honesty and seeming inability to filter their thoughts.  Have you ever had a kid tell you how old you are or how fat you are or how big your nose is?  I’ve discovered that kids aren’t the only ones that say the “darndest things” though.  In fact, some of the most “interesting” comments thrown my way have come from adults while I was trying to process my way through periods of grief.  With some of those experiences in mind I have come up with a list of the 10 Worst Things To Say to Someone In Grief.

1. He’s in a better place.

2. The good thing is – she lived a good long life.

3. We all saw this coming.

4. There’s a reason for everything.

5. At least he’s not in pain anymore.

6. You’re young, luckily you can have another child.

7. She was such a good person, God wanted her to be with Him.

8. I know how you feel.

9. She did all she came here to do.

10. It was just her time to go.

Here are some traits I have seen about these comments and what may drive them.

1. They want to fix the loss.

2. They are about our own discomfort.

3. They are directive in nature.

4. They rationalize or try to explain the loss.

5. They may be judgmental.

6. They are not about the griever.

7. They may actually minimize the loss.

8. They attempt to put a time line on the loss.

I will never forget when Sonny and I lost our little girl Savannah.  We had fought a long battle for her life and couldn’t believe we had to lower her little white casket into the ground.  The visual will haunt me forever.  No parent should ever outlive their child!  I cannot explain the emotion that goes into fighting that kind of fight.  To say that Sonny and I were spent would be a gross understatement.  When I returned to work a woman walked up to me in the lobby and uttered these words “I understand what you’re going through.” I responded by saying, “Oh really?  Have you lost a child?” She said “No, but I understand how it must feel.” I know that her comment seems like a simple, almost natural and helpful thing to say to someone who has just encountered loss, but it really isn’t.  When someone is in the middle of a battle with grief, the last thing they want is for you to relate to them.  I didn’t want any, what I have come to refer to as, “false understanding.”  Unless you have walked the same path, you really cannot understand.  You can feel sad, or hurt.  You can cry or pray, but understand?  It’s simply not possible.  So, next time you encounter someone who is drowning in the sea of grief, don’t try to come up with a catchy saying or utter something trite.  Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.  In fact, don’t try to put yourself in their position – trust me you don’t want to be there – rather, take the position you are needed in the most – right  alongside them in a position of support, or maybe behind them so you can simply hold them up when their strength runs out.  The road is not the same for us all, so do yourself a favor and in times like these do your best to not be quotable.